breaking up is hard to do?

So I broke up with my boyfriend. Now before the collective sighs and whys I must say here it was a mutual break up and we agreed to be friends.

It made me wonder why I wasn't more upset by this break up. I love him, I will always have a nice soft place for him in my heart, but why no tears? Why no heartache. Well I can tell you. After a week of pondering this and other questions I came to realize that I miss the idea of him. I miss the knowing I had a steady date on the weekend or if some music event popped up he may be ready to go. I missed knowing there was steady sex (have to be honest here people, we like knowing we will get it regularly).

My daughter and her girlfriend were two of three people who were shocked by this (the 3rd was my co-worker/work spouse, but that is another story). Everyone else said things like, congratulations! What took you so long and I knew this wouldn't last and I am so glad you came to your senses. I felt sad that these people viewed our relationship so harshly. My daughter and her girlfriend were surprised because of how he and I were towards each other when we were together. They were sad to see a good easy fun loving relationship go down the tubes, but I explained to them that we had a good run and it was time to move on. I will always treasure our time together. I wish him the best.

I began thinking about all the things leading up to the break up. I knew that night we would break up. First was the verbal pulling away from me. Lack of communication is a huge turn off for me and when all of a sudden all the sweet nice things he use to say to me both in bed and on the phone we no longer coming out of his mouth I thought it was one of two things. A) he is too comfortable inthe relationship and no longer feels the need to flatter me and be sweet to me or B) He no longer feels those things. So, I figure I'd let him have some space to work it through his head and come to me to discuss it. Well, no such thing happened. So, I began to feel very sad and very bad about us. I then realized I was giving him way too much power over my thoughts and feelings. I needed to reclaim them as mine. It wasn't that he was making me feel bad, but I was allowing myself to feel bad. So bringing it all out in the open was my only option. No longer would I wait for the proverbally mountain to come to me. I opened that can of worms.

So I asked him to be honest and frank about his feelings and he told me (finally!!). I then had to be frank about how I felt and unfortunately I wasn't completely open and up front with him. You see I had known for some time now that I would not marry him ever. I would choose not to speak about any kind of future by saying that is so far away why worry about it now. I chose to ignore the topic. Sometimes when we were alone in bed talking quietly I'd get caught up in the idea of living together after my daughter graduates, but when we were apart I knew I was not going to move in with him ever. I knew deep in my soul that I did not want to raise his child. Don't get me wrong, I liked her well enough but I've raised kids and honestly did not want to start over again. I knew how big of a deal it would be and I knew that if we were foolish enough to move in together she would do everything in her power to tear us apart. I just didn't want the headache and turmoil in my home. I love my peace and quiet.

I loved what this man and I had together so much that I avoided as much as possible any mention of the future so that we wouldn't break up now. I knew he'd feel we were wasting each other's time dating if we know there won't be a marriage. My view is different from his. I feel there doesn't have to be a marriage on the horizon when you are compatible and having fun together. Just continue dating and enjoying all the fun things you like together. For him there had to be the knowing there was eventually a marriage. Neither he nor I were near ready for a marriage, but that is his moral belief. I could quite happily date someone indefinitely without them ever moving into my home.

So, this is in a way my apology to him that I wasn't more straight forward and honest about there not being a future. I loved what we had and shared and the great conversation and the laughter we brought to each others lives. I enjoyed going downtown and to the library or watching movies and just goofing around with him. Just being together was great fun and I really enjoyed it. I hated to see it end until it didn't make me feel good anymore. Then I was ready to end it.

I do hope he finds someone who wants to be a step mom and who wants to marry him and I hope he is happy the rest of his life. I just know I don't want, need or desire marriage again. I like having my privacy and my space when I want to claim it. I do not feel a need to have a husband again. However, I am a nurturing person by nature (it's a curse) and I know I love taking care of people. I like surprising the ones I love with cards and little gifts or back rubs and scratching their back for them. I know after my daughter leaves home ( no hurry. We get along great.) I'll definitely want a companion to take care of, but I am hoping it will be someone who will want to take care of me in return. I want someone to pamper me a little the way I pamper them. My boyfriend did little things to take care of me (great back scratcher!). He was there through my recovery from surgery and he rarely complained about what a terrible patient I was. I deserve to find someone who treats me special again and someday I'll find him. Just like I know he will find someone more suited to his needs.

Yes, breaking up is hard to do, but once you put it all in perspective...it's not so bad.