Starting my business

Now that I am about to face an empty nest I am thinking more and more on the business I have wanted to start for some time now. I kept telling myself I needed more research time or I needed to wait until my daughter graduated and left for college.

Well, my boyfriend is very much a go now kind of guy. If he has a thought he feels he must act on it now, now, now! I am a thinker and I process and read and study before I act. He has given me the push I needed to get going on my business now. I have the tools purchased and now it is time to buy ingredients and start doing. I am scared and excited at the same time. I really want this to fly and I want it to be successful. I am starting small and seeing how well people respond to it before I move to the next level of getting a store and branching into more products. I need to keep it very realistic yet reach for the dream that has been playing in the movie theatre that is my mind and I will see it come to life.

My daughter started her senior year today and she is moving closer to being an adult and living her dreams. I have been raising children since I was 19 and now I am 41 and it is time to see my dreams come to light. I wanted to be a writer all my life and I wrote and published two books in the last four years. Now I will be a small business woman. I do not plan to give up writing, in fact I am working on my third book right now. I also want to make pottery and plan to take classes and get a potter's wheel. I will incorporate these items into my store someday. I'll not quit my day job (I am not crazy yet!). I will just have to use my off time for the new business and it will mean more work and longer hours for me for a while, but in the end I think it will be worth it. I like my job and my benefits can't be beat. I will find it hard to give that up. However, if I become successful doing what I truly believe in and dream of then it will be worth it.

I'll keep everyone posted on how it turns out.

A bad Jerry Springer show

So, It has been a while since my last blog. God so much has happend, my life will never be the same.

My daughter will be taking driver's ed this July, so I bought her a car. I guess she needs to be mobile. I can't believe she will graduate next year. So then I am on to becoming the crazy cat lady of small town Iowa. Whoa there...not so fast.

I recently started dating a younger man. A much younger man (14 yrs younger). I know what you are thinking. I am going to be taken for a ride, which could happen, but we are having lots of fun. I met him through my "adopted" daughter (see previous blogs on Dani). She is 19 and she started dating this guy. I thought to myself at first this is bad. He is so much older than she is and will take advantage of her innocence. I met him one night when we went to the coffee house for a band I wanted to see. The minute I met him there was an instant attraction. Serious sparks were flying, but I said to myself he is dating Dani, what am I thinking.

I started talking to him more, getting to know him. he and I have so much in common. Dani confided to me that she was confused and she thought about breaking up with him, but couldn't because she cared about him. They had nothing in common other than me. He started calling me all the time, spending lunch hours with me. We began e-mailing and finding so many common interests. He voiced it, but I thought it..."If only we'd met three weeks ago."

Dani kept asking me to take him on friday nights so Sami could stay the night with her. I was reluctant. I was worried about sending him the wrong idea, but in the end I gave in. I took him over night after all four of us went to the hockey game. The girls sat at the hockey game texting each other while he and I watch the game and screamed and yelled with the crowd. Our team won! I took the girls to Dani's apartment and he and I headed for home. We got pizza and watched Phantom of the Opera. He slept in Sami's room. We had a great time.

After about three weeks of this...every Friday night he and I went somewhere and the girls had their time, well we just couldn't help it any longer. We became lovers. I was so torn and worried about hurting Dani. I hated the way I was doing things knowing she looked at me as a mother figure. He admitted his love for me and I tried many times to end it which caused us to fight. Dani hated us fighting. She would make us talk things out. Little did she know what she was doing.

It finally came to a head and he decided to tell her he wanted to be with me. I got a call late one night saying, "Get over here, I told her. Come comfort her and take me home with you. I can't stay here any longer. I need to be with you. I love you." I grabbed my shoes, woke up Sami and quickly explained to her (somewhat, leaving out the two month affair) what was happening.

It was heart wrenching the way she looked at me the way she blamed me. I understood why she chose to blame me. I should have known better, I was her mother figure, he was a fairly new boyfriend, so she could expect something like that from him, but not from me. There were so many tears on both sides. I begged her to understand I never meant to love him, I never meant to take him from her, I never set out to do anything like this. It is so out of character for me. After two hours and the girls spent time in the apartment building hallway while he and I sat in the living room we all went back to my home. The girls went to Sami's room and he came to my room. We talked for hours knowing Sami had school and I had work. I think we got like three hours sleep. Sami had finals. I took Dani and Das back to her apartment. He packed a bag and came home with me after work. He has been living with me now for a little over a week. It has been tough don't get me wrong. He and I both had to deal with Dani's anger and games she decided to play, but what could I expect...she behaved as any 19 yr old would behave when getting her heart broken.

As far as me and Das, well it goes. We have a great deal of fun together and we enjoy the same things even if it is just watching a movie or hanging out in the park taking pictures. We went to the racetrack something I never do and I won every time. I guess I am good at picking the right horses. It was fun. Not big bets, but just having fun and coming out a little ahead. At least not losing anything. I still hurt from what I put Dani through. I wish things had been different, but sometimes you do not know you will fall in love with someone and unfortunately someone may get hurt. i wasn't looking to love Das, but there you go...I do.

April Fool's Day

Normally April 1st was an anniversary of sorts between my ex husband and I. Now it is a day of liberation for me. The day I decided to wake up and smell the coffee pretaining to a certain man in my life. I finally decided to let go of a man who has been dragging my heart around since January. I met him before Christmas and we hit it off too well, so well, that I was blind sided when I started seeing another side to him. I then kicked him to the curb for a while and then let him back into my life. Boy was that the wrong thing to do.

I have been told by nurmerous friends and family that he is no good for me, but I still hung in there. Many reasons I cannot explain were justifiable in my brain straight from my heart as to why I should let him have a second chance. I knew then as I know now I was being played.

Last night we had plans to go to a hockey game and he bailed on me with a no call no show. I kind of thought it could happen so I let my daughter Dani's boyfriend have the hockey ticket and the t-shirt. I had gotten a pack of four tickets, four t-shirts and four autographed pictures in an auction for Amanda the Panda I attended a month ago. I called my man and got his voicemail (no surprise there. I realized at that point it was going to be a no show for him) and I let him know if I didn't hear from him by a certain time that his ticket would be given away.

We had a blast! I sat with Dani's BF while she and my daughter Sami text messaged each other, and did girly stuff. The BF and I were yelling and clapping and screaming. It was awesome! I have a husky voice today from all the yelling we did. The BUCS won!

So today on April fool's day I give a nod to the fact I was such a fool and have decided to get this man out of my life for good. I am feeling very good about this and have planned an evening with Dani, her BF and my ex BF older music geek. We are watching movies and I am making guinea grinders. Sami has to work.

Take care everyone and remember you deserve the very best in life. Let people in who love and respect you. Tell the others to kick rocks.

good things come in small packages

I held ritual at my home February 2 for Imbolc. This is the wiccan "spring cleaning" sabbath. What I mean by spring cleaning is it is time to cleanse yourself mentally and emotionally. Get rid of excess baggage you do not want to take into the new spring with you. Have lots of lavender on hand and take a bath with lavender oil.

Natian did a cleansing for me to rid me of all negativity surrounding the drunk ex BF. I felt very light and tingly afterwards. I felt refreshed. He then asked me to make a list of qualities my new lova should have as I decided to enlist the goddess' help in finding a new man for me. So, I made my list and Dani said make sure to add tall. Nathian said If you are so shallow you will only date tall men then you have issues. I said no, my ex husband was 2 inches shorter than I am and I had no problem with that. I dated a guy who was 5'6" and I am 5'9", so I didn't feel compelled to request height in the list of attributes I am searching for in a companion. So, when the list was complete I rubbed rose oil on it and put it under a rose quartz and rubbed rose oil on the rose quartz as well. I then let it sit for a while. After ritual I bagged up the list with lavender, jasmine and hyacinth petals also infused with the rose oil, poured sea salt in on top of everything and tied it shut. I then made a wine offering to the goddess.

A few days later I was on the date line and heard this great ad. I thought he was articulate and had a great voice not to mention a sense of humor. I boxed him. I got a response in less than a day and he gave me his number. I never thought to check his stats (eye color, hair color, etc...)
So, we talked a couple times and decided to meet for lunch. We have the same birth month and sign, same initials, and he is 9 yrs older than I am. I like men who are older than me. When I got to the restaurant he was already there. he stood up to shake my hand and came to about breast level. He is 5'0" tall. I thought oh no! The goddess must be laughing at me for not putting height in my love spell. Dani I knew would say, "No one ever listens to me!" I can't date a guy this much shorter than I am! I was sure he was thinking in the same lines about dating a woman so much taller, but no. He said he was very pleased with how I looked, and he enjoyed our conversation and wanted to see me again. I had some misgivings but I agreed to see him again.

I spoke with my son and he said, "Mom I can't believe you are this shallow. You would want a guy to accept you for your weight why can't you accept a guy for his height?" Well, he had me there (when did my son become so philosophical?). Everyone I spoke to said give the guy a chance he seems nice and he likes you. So we talked on the phone and made plans for the next weekend. I came down with tonsillitis and had to stay home from work a couple days. He offered to bring me some turkey broth which I thought was sweet (I turned it down anyway due to the fact I wasn't sure I wanted him to see me looking so ratty in my pj's and no make-up). We met for lunch that Friday. After lunch as we were standing by my car I noticed the way he kind of leaned on my car and he has such an air of confidence about him that makes him rather appealing to me. I like a confident man who has a good stride and his head is up and he gives an impression to the world that he is just as good as everyone else. I like that in a man. Saturday he had to help his daughter move and I went to a birthday party for a friend who turned 50. The margaritas were strong and plentiful at the party. After the party I picked up Dani and then met the new guy at my place since it was 7:00 at night and too late to go somewhere really. I was feeling pretty loose and had a good buzz from the drinks, which I kind of needed. I tend to be nervous around him when we meet and I am not sure why. So, I was much more relaxed and able to be myself with him this time. He decided to drive to the store and we got stuff for snacks and then watched movies with the girls at my place.

Both the girls liked him and Dani said we looked so cute together. HA Thanks Dani! Anyway what happened during the movie was classic sassy witch. The remote had been misplaced on the DVD player in the living room. So, when the movie accidentally got stopped a half hour before the end, we all thought we had to start it over. I decided to try the one in my bedroom which is temperamental sometimes and doesn't want to work. It worked! So we all four had to pile on my bed and finish the movie. I nudged Dani in the butt with my foot and said, "Isn't this just like when I had back surgery and everyone piled in bed with me to watch movies with me and kept me company?" My daughter, Dani and I laughed. After the movie we all sat there and talked for a while. Then we got up and ate some popcorn and got something to drink. It was a fun evening and I am glad I gave him a chance. He is very intelligent, well read and doesn't have any addictions that I know of. I know our "society's" view say a man should be taller than a woman, but I have never given a rat's ass about what society thinks of me. I am not about to let society tell me who is good for me or not good for me based on looks, weight, or height. Besdes I have known a couple successful relationships where the woman has been taller than the man. My parents' good friends and my son's paternal great grandparents (I loved them dearly). Look at Hollywood, Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruz (they are divorced, but still she was a noticeble difference taller than Tom).

I am glad I decided to give him a chance. He is sweet, attentive and caring. What woman doesn't want a man who is all that?

men suck

Okay, the current boyfriend barely made it a month and showed how flaky he was. I tell you I am about through with dating.

He was very intense, very funny and very drunk a lot. I cannot handle dating a drunk. He was too much drama and too much work. He'd forget when we were to meet for a date because he'd been too drunk when we made plans. He'd then try to shift the blame to me. I wasn't the one drinking and getting confused! I am smarter than his and he said he couldn't argue with me because I always had an answer for everything. Well, I had an answer for everything because I had right on my side. I knew what was right.

It is a shame because when he wasn't drinking he had so many wonderful qualities that I found myself drawn to him. Well, easy come, easy go. I don't understand why all the hassle. Life is too short for all the headache. I want dating to be simple, fun, easy and hassle free. I like my relationship to be like my lounge pants...comfortable to slip on and relaxing. I am 41 yrs. old. I have raised my kids (one to graduate next year) I do not have time for stupid men. I want a man who is emotionally secure and independent. I do not want to be his everything and I don't want to have him as my everything. I have too much going on in my life to get bogged down with having to entertain a grown man 100% of the time. Have your guy time, go places, do things, and know we will get together later.

My daughter's girlfriend didn't like him or trust him. She said that my ex boyfriend, oldermusicgeek was better boyfriend material even though he had a young kid. Yes, he was a good boyfriend. We had a lot of fun in those ten months. He and I never fought and never had a cross word towards each other. I want that kind of relationship with someone else. I want it to be like a ride in a boat on a pond drifting along and feeling at peace, not a roller coaster of emotions where I just want to get off and puke. I never cried once in the ten months I was with my ex boyfriend. I've cried too much in one weekend with this last guy.

I'm done and when I am done I walk away and have no more contact. I hope he gets the drinking under control and I hope he learns to love himself. He has too many insecurities and he felt I was too good for him. Maybe I am, but that shouldn't mean he should set out to destroy what we had just because he felt unworthy of me. I am a good person and he felt he was not a good enough person for me, well sorry he felt he couldn't upgrade. I guess he should just go back to dating low life redneck hillbilly women then. I am a cut above that. I deserve a man who knows his self worth just as I know mine. I am worth more than the drunk had to offer.

PDA

I love showing public displays of affection. I love kissing and hugging in public. I feel that we are in our own little world. I don't pay attention to what people are doing around us. I feel we can do as we please as long as we are not vulgar about it. I love walking along and all of a sudden he shoves me up against a wall of a building and kisses me. I love feeling close and being like teenagers once in a while.

My daughter and her girlfriend will kiss in public and people will stare. People never pay attention when heterosexuals kiss in public but see two guys or two girls kiss and it is a serious crime. People gawk and stare. My daughter doesn't care she will kiss her girlfriend anyway and I say more power to her! Dani is more reserved and shy than my daughter but she is learning to be more open.

I was talking with my aunt and mom about the girls and my mom brought up my daughter wearing a shirt that said Gay Straight Alliance (GSA). My aunt said it doesn't matter what the girls are and she loves them anyway but they do not need to shove it in people's faces. My come back was that it is nothing for men and women to shove their love in people's faces. It is nothing to see them kissing, holding hands and hugging each other in public so why is it called "Shoving it " in people's faces if the gay couples are doing the same thing. She didn't have anything to say to that. The topic was dropped. I feel I need to stick up for my girls because who else will stick up for them if I don't. I feel we need to educate the older people because it is my hope that in ten years it will be acceptable for gay marriages everywhere. I hope that everyone who reads this will want to do something to make a change and help the world to be a better place for all people no matter what their sexual orientation.

Strange encounters

I took my daughter's girlfriend, "Dani" to visit her grandmother today. Not her biological grandma, but the woman who is the mom of her guardian who took her in until she was 18. It was very strange to say the least.

We walked in and were introduced. Her grandma had not met my daughter or me. She has heard that my daughter is dating Dani. So the whole lesbian thing was new to Dani's family this past Thanksgiving when her guardian let it all out in the open. So grandma is looking at Dani with this steely gaze and not speaking. Dani is looking at the table and I am bouncy back and forth from all three faces. I winked at my daughter and made her smile. I tried to catch Dani's eye and I looked at grandma and saw in her eyes she was really the wolf in grandma's clothing. She made a comment about me being on the radio (looking at Dani the whole time) and what I said about Dani's guardians. She said, "I don't like some of the things that were said, but you [Dani] benefited so I guess it's okay." I wanted to say, "I told it like I saw it. I told what happened." I didn't say anything though, I just smiled at the grandma.

Conversation was stilted to say the least. We were all trying to think of things to say except my daughter. She was completely silent except for when the wolf asked where she worked. After 45 minutes of this we decided to make the excuse to leave. My daughter had to be at work. Grandma aka wolfy gave Dani her Christmas present and we left. We all breathed a huge sigh as we shut the car doors.

This is exactly why I would not allow my daughter to attend the Thanksgiving or the Christmas get together with Dani's guardians. In fact Dani didn't go either. They are horrid cold people and not at all accepting of Dani's lifestyle. My family has embraced Dani with open arms. They all love her and include her in every get together. They love my daughter and she will always be loved no matter what. I do not understand how people cannot accept their children when they are different. I will not allow anyone to shame my daughter. I will not tolerated ignorant comments from anyone.

When I started dating the new BF it was made clear that I will not tolerate prejudice of any kind. He has been very accepting of the girls as well as a young gay couple we are friends with. He said the girls are cute together, which they are. Even if my child was not gay, I could not tolerate prejudice in my life. I will not date people who are close minded. I can bend on some things like smoking (everyone arounds me smokes except for me. I can date a smoker, I just choose not to smoke) but I cannot bend on this. All people deserve respect and that is what I base my principles on.

I have had strange encounters in the past. I met with prejudice against wicca when my ex boyfriend's brother and sister in-law didn't want me at their home. I was shocked. I have never had anyone say I was not welcome in their home because of my religious beliefs. I was stunned that in this day and age there are still so many people with such hang ups. They need to get over themselves. It would shock them if they were turned away for being Catholic or Baptist. The "Christians" do not see anything wrong with themselves so why wouldn't they always be welcomed. Well I have news for them some places wouldn't welcome them with open arms, but they would never be turned away at a witch's home. Wicca is welcoming of all people. We do not try and force our beliefs on others just as we hope they would respect us by not shoving their beliefs down our throats.

My boyfriend believes in the Christian god. I told him that I am not out to change him or his beliefs. I just want him to be respectful of mine and not try and change me. It was agreed on and he is interested enough to learn more which I will be happy to share with him as little or as much as he desires to know.

We all come from different walks of life, we are all on different paths towards our personal growth. This is good. This is what makes people interesting. We do not have to be all going the same direction the same way at the same speed. We will all get there wherever our there may be.