breaking up is hard to do?

So I broke up with my boyfriend. Now before the collective sighs and whys I must say here it was a mutual break up and we agreed to be friends.

It made me wonder why I wasn't more upset by this break up. I love him, I will always have a nice soft place for him in my heart, but why no tears? Why no heartache. Well I can tell you. After a week of pondering this and other questions I came to realize that I miss the idea of him. I miss the knowing I had a steady date on the weekend or if some music event popped up he may be ready to go. I missed knowing there was steady sex (have to be honest here people, we like knowing we will get it regularly).

My daughter and her girlfriend were two of three people who were shocked by this (the 3rd was my co-worker/work spouse, but that is another story). Everyone else said things like, congratulations! What took you so long and I knew this wouldn't last and I am so glad you came to your senses. I felt sad that these people viewed our relationship so harshly. My daughter and her girlfriend were surprised because of how he and I were towards each other when we were together. They were sad to see a good easy fun loving relationship go down the tubes, but I explained to them that we had a good run and it was time to move on. I will always treasure our time together. I wish him the best.

I began thinking about all the things leading up to the break up. I knew that night we would break up. First was the verbal pulling away from me. Lack of communication is a huge turn off for me and when all of a sudden all the sweet nice things he use to say to me both in bed and on the phone we no longer coming out of his mouth I thought it was one of two things. A) he is too comfortable inthe relationship and no longer feels the need to flatter me and be sweet to me or B) He no longer feels those things. So, I figure I'd let him have some space to work it through his head and come to me to discuss it. Well, no such thing happened. So, I began to feel very sad and very bad about us. I then realized I was giving him way too much power over my thoughts and feelings. I needed to reclaim them as mine. It wasn't that he was making me feel bad, but I was allowing myself to feel bad. So bringing it all out in the open was my only option. No longer would I wait for the proverbally mountain to come to me. I opened that can of worms.

So I asked him to be honest and frank about his feelings and he told me (finally!!). I then had to be frank about how I felt and unfortunately I wasn't completely open and up front with him. You see I had known for some time now that I would not marry him ever. I would choose not to speak about any kind of future by saying that is so far away why worry about it now. I chose to ignore the topic. Sometimes when we were alone in bed talking quietly I'd get caught up in the idea of living together after my daughter graduates, but when we were apart I knew I was not going to move in with him ever. I knew deep in my soul that I did not want to raise his child. Don't get me wrong, I liked her well enough but I've raised kids and honestly did not want to start over again. I knew how big of a deal it would be and I knew that if we were foolish enough to move in together she would do everything in her power to tear us apart. I just didn't want the headache and turmoil in my home. I love my peace and quiet.

I loved what this man and I had together so much that I avoided as much as possible any mention of the future so that we wouldn't break up now. I knew he'd feel we were wasting each other's time dating if we know there won't be a marriage. My view is different from his. I feel there doesn't have to be a marriage on the horizon when you are compatible and having fun together. Just continue dating and enjoying all the fun things you like together. For him there had to be the knowing there was eventually a marriage. Neither he nor I were near ready for a marriage, but that is his moral belief. I could quite happily date someone indefinitely without them ever moving into my home.

So, this is in a way my apology to him that I wasn't more straight forward and honest about there not being a future. I loved what we had and shared and the great conversation and the laughter we brought to each others lives. I enjoyed going downtown and to the library or watching movies and just goofing around with him. Just being together was great fun and I really enjoyed it. I hated to see it end until it didn't make me feel good anymore. Then I was ready to end it.

I do hope he finds someone who wants to be a step mom and who wants to marry him and I hope he is happy the rest of his life. I just know I don't want, need or desire marriage again. I like having my privacy and my space when I want to claim it. I do not feel a need to have a husband again. However, I am a nurturing person by nature (it's a curse) and I know I love taking care of people. I like surprising the ones I love with cards and little gifts or back rubs and scratching their back for them. I know after my daughter leaves home ( no hurry. We get along great.) I'll definitely want a companion to take care of, but I am hoping it will be someone who will want to take care of me in return. I want someone to pamper me a little the way I pamper them. My boyfriend did little things to take care of me (great back scratcher!). He was there through my recovery from surgery and he rarely complained about what a terrible patient I was. I deserve to find someone who treats me special again and someday I'll find him. Just like I know he will find someone more suited to his needs.

Yes, breaking up is hard to do, but once you put it all in perspective...it's not so bad.

It's been too long

I have not been on here in such a long time! I have been ultra busy. I just finished my 8 week water aerobics class which I loved! I plan to sign up again in March. I got a new tattoo thanks to my son. He got it for me as a birthday present. A bit late, but we had trouble coordinating our schedules. I am thrilled with it! I have jury duty all this week. I really hope the case is done by tomorrow (the 16th) but I am afraid it will run thru Friday. Interesting stuff jury duty.

I can't talk about the case but I will say I enjoy the verbal dance the attorneys have to play. "I object! Your honor that is speculation and here say and should be stricken from the records! " I love this. The volley of objections and re-directions and restating questions. Very intriguing stuff! It is like watching a volleyball or tennis match. Back and forth, but more exciting because it is words. I love words.

My favorite words I like to say; persnickety, shoe (shoo), bahouth, acclimated, fabulous, and of course one of the best words in the world... F--K! The computer wouldn't let me type the word. I am not sure why, but you know what the word is. I feel this word has lots of power. You can say it to express extreme surprise, anger or passion. I think it is a very versitile word. My boyfriend likes the word cardiovascular.

my granddaughter is doing fabulous in case you are wondering. She is absolutely precious. She looks like my son but has her mommy's eyes. I think she will be rather tall and thin. My son is crazy about this child and barely lets anyone else hold her. I had to really plead with him to allow his sister who is sixteen to babysit. He finally gave in, but they had to make a stop at home to cjheck on them between dinner and the movie. LOL. I told him he better lighten up or he will give himself a heart attack before she is even a teenager. I have never seen a young father so nutty about a newborn. It is sweet and it is good that he takes his responsibilty so seriously.

My daughter is working now and when she isn't working she is with her girlfriend or friends. I miss her terribly sometimes. I am so proud of all she has accomplished and over come in the past three years, but a part of me wishes she wasn't growing up so quickly. I love her company and I admit I enjoy having someone to take care of. I am thinking of doing a little volunteer work through a homeless teen program in the area. They have a home for homeless teenagers who are pregnant or new mothers. I'd like to teach some healthy cooking classes to them during their living skills courses. I have worked with homeless teens in the past and would love the opportunity again. My boyfriend asked if I'll be trying to adopt them or bring them home, but I can assure myself this will not be the case. I just want to help them be successful in being independent and one their own with small children to care for. I was a single parent for a long time before marrying again and now I am divorced again.

Speaking of adopting teens and taking them in...I have to say my daughter's girlfriend is doing very well. She is living in her own apartment, paying her bills timely and cooking for herself. I am so proud of her. She moved out of our home the end of August and is doing great. She even has a full-time job and has made friends with co-workers who are all close to her age. Don't get me started on her deadbeat guardians. I am furious with people who take kids in, collect the funds and then boot them to the curb the minute they turn 18 and there isn't any money coming in for them anymore. They were slacking in their duties as guradians as she has an eye condition that she should have seen an eye doctor every year and in fact hasn't been for three years. Why I asked since there was insurance for her to go. She said they just didn't take the time to take her. I find that terrible. They should have made sure she went before her 18th birthday to get her eyes checked on the insurance she had. Now she has to wait for her employee insurance to kick in before she can go. Terrible people! Like I said don't get me started.