Cooking for one

It is summer. I know it is summer not because I am wearing tank tops and skirts with my beloved flip flops, but because my daughter is gone and I am eating alone. It is interesting how that happens when they become teens. They are on the phone more, stay the night with friends more, and when they are 16 or their friends are 16, well, they are mobile and gone more.

I am writing this blog because there is no hurry to get home and make dinner tonight. My daughter called and said she is going with a friend for a few hours. Why hurry to make dinner when I am the only one eating. There are times I wander through the store looking at food and what I might want to have for dinner and you know... it isn't so appealing.

I used to love to cook. I had a much larger family some time ago. I had a husband, two step kids and my own son and daughter. I got divorced so I never saw the step kids again. My son was an adult at that time moved out and now has a family of his own. So it left my daughter and I. It is very hard to go from cooking for a small army to cooking for two let alone now cooking for one.

I used to love food. I found comfort in eating certain things. Mashed potatoes and gravy were comfort food to me. I loved to make lasagna and pot roast and of course with every meal there needs to be rolls dripping in melted butter or garlic bread. I love bread way too much. I use to judge a restaurant by how good their bread was. No wonder I gained so much weight. I became quite huge after the divorce. I finally woke up an decided I needed a firm hand and got myself under control. I lost a great deal of weight a year ago. I still have a ways to go before I make my personal goal. But I will say I am down four pant sizes. WOW!!!! I love it! I haven't been this small since before I was pregnant with my daughter 16 yrs ago.

Now I have lost interest in macaroni and cheese, fried chicken, and mashed potatoes and gravy. I no longer eat very much meat. I love veggies and fruits. I am hoping to be 100% vegetarian someday but it is expensive to buy my daughter's foods and my foods as well. If I could slowly get her moved over to my way of eating we'd save a lot more at the grocery store. The money sucking grocery store as my sister and I refer to it.

I love that I can now feel my collar bone and I am not as self conscious in a tank top as I use to be (I never wore them before), but I do miss the quality time of sitting down at the table and talking about our day, sharing with each other. I want that back in so many ways and yet I am glad I do not have to cook big meals anymore. I miss the family in some ways, but I do so love my own space and my own time for me to do what I want to do. I have spent years taking care of everyone else and now it is my turn to take care of my wants and desires. I finally wrote my first book at 39. I have wanted to write a book for years but never took the time or felt I had me time when raising kids. I felt quilty for wanting time for myself. I know that is a mistake many women make.

I think it is time women realizd they do not need to put their dreams on hold because they are raising kids. It can be juggled. Where there's a will there's a way is an old saying but a very true one. I went to school when my daughter was two and my son was eight. I knew I needed college to get a better job to take care of my family. I realized then that I shouldn't put myself on the back burner. I found me, the me I was before getting married and having kids. I found my voice again and realized people were interested in what I had to say.

My daughter will graduate in two years. I am not overjoyed at the prospect of her leaving home so soon. I will miss her. We have a lot in common and share many of the same interests. There is an easy feel to our relationship. We have a peaceful household, rarely do I have arguments with her. She is a bit more dark and brooding than I will ever be (a trait from her father), but nothing too earth shattering, no yelling matches. I would be fine with her staying home while she goes to college. I would miss her terribly if she were to leave in two years, yet I know I'd be fine too. I know I'd then find more time to take some classes I want to take, maybe turn her room into a den/workroom. I have always had a desire to make pottery. I love pottery. I want to put my hands in the clay and use an old fashioned potter's wheel that you have to pump with your foot. Sculpting has been a interest to me from when I helped my ex husband with his life casting. I want to do a plaster sculpture of my boyfriend's backside and mount it on the wall in my bedroom. he has a beautiful back. It would look good with the artwork I have of beautiful full figured women. I have always been facinated with the male body. Okay, okay, getting off track here. Whew! I need to stop thinking of my boyfriend's body and get back to this blog.

You know, I really do not need to wait to take some classes. I can take them now. Where there's a will, there's a way. After all, I don't have to hurry home to make dinner.

computers/online dating/family time

Computers are a good thing. I'll admit it. We are better off for having them in our lives. Writing my books was made easier by having a computer. E-mailing friends long distance when we have no time to chat on the phone. No one writes letters anymore. I feel it is a lost artform. I use to pen lovely newsy letters to friends and family. Each one being unique and designed for the person receiving it. Now I have a standard letter from my computer that goes in all my loved ones holiday cards. One letter giving the run down on what has happened in the year since I last wrote. Sad really. I tried this last holiday season to write personal notes but found I did notes to fewer people due to limited time. The one thing I dislike about home computers is they take time from the family.

When I was married and we bought a home computer I felt like I had become a widow. My husband was in the den on the computer every night right after work. He stopped to eat and then he was right back at it until bedtime. Sometimes staying up later than me just to keep surfing the web. This was strictly recreational for him. It had nothing to do with business. Soon I had desires to throw the damn thing out the window. I was upset by the fact we no longer watched a movie together as a couple or as a family. Before the computer we would sit on the couch usually with my feet in his lap and he'd absentmindedly rub my feet and legs while we watched a movie. It was peaceful, cozy and quality us time. I missed talking in bed when he'd stay up later than me. The computer became my competition for my husband's time. The children and I would watch a movie or play a game if I had time after getting dinner and the dishes done. My work was never put on hold to play on the computer. I still had to feed the family, clean up afterwards and help with any homework that needed worked on.

I've heard other women say that their husband's got so wrapped up in chat lines and talking with other women as "just friends" that soon they were ending their e-mails with "I love you." I know of several marriages that ended due to infidelity with people from chat lines. I know of a man who left his wife of 25 years to meet a women in a different state. He left his wife and one child still at home to be with a woman he'd never met face to face. Of course, he and the woman he met are both losers, so he didn't upgrade or anything like that. I also know a couple who met on line (both of them single) and they have been happily together for 6 yrs. Another couple I know has been married ten years. I met a lovely woman who met her husband of 5 years on line after he answered her VERY specific ad. She said it was so detailed in what she wanted in a man that she only received 4 responses. She spoke with this man for a while and flew to meet him and married him in 5 days of meeting him. Her children were grown and he has turned out to be a wonderful man for her. This is rare so do not think it is the norm when thinking of on-line dating. I do not recommend marrying a man that quickly; especially if you have children at home. My point is they were single and not stealing someone's spouse's time away from his/her family. Yes, I know women who are just as guilty of being online as men are.

I just want to know where is the family time? What about quality time with your family/significant other/friends? Chatting with new people can be fun, but I think it needs to be kept in perspective. They are not your family. They are strangers on the computer in another state telling you what they want you to know. You have to be so careful out there. I warn my daughter and her friends all the time that someone can say they are a 16 year old boy and in reality they are a 50 year old man who will hurt them. My daughter took it seriously, because when my boyfriend asked to be a friend on myspace, she verified it was indeed him before she added him. She said to me, "I thought it was him cuz I do not know anyone else by that name but I wanted to be sure." Good for her!

My point in this is to say, keep computers and the internet in perspective. Yes, technology is good, but it is a double edge sword if we are not careful and wise with how we use it. Remember to take time for your children spouse/signigficant other. Those relationships will far surpass anything you might have with someone in a chat room. If you are single...chat away. You may meet the person of your dreams. Be careful though and ask questions; protect yourself.

spellcrafting and beliefs

As I have stated in the past...I am a witch. I have studied Wicca for ten years now. I have to say study simply because it is a continuous study for me. I do not devote my entire life to Wicca as some people do. I have not made it my living as some of my friends have. I wish I could. But alas, we are not all so lucky.

I enjoy the celebrations of the holidays. Samhain, Yule, Imbolc, Beltaine, Soltice, to name a few. My ex-husband and I hosted a few at our home as we had a large lawn as well as a firepit in the backyard to build bonfires. I love the stories about the goddesses. I like reading about magical beautiful women in all their glory. I myself feel I am a beautiful, powerful (strong, independent, etc...) woman who is always evolving, growing and becoming the best that I possibly can.

I do not take the stories of the goddesses literally. I do not believe Morighan was actually standing with one massive leg on either side of the river as she bathed and was seen by a king whom she made love to and then helped him fight a war for his country. I do believe woman can be warriors and fight along side their men. I do not believe a giant woman had sex with a average size man. How could that be physically possible? This is a story used as a tool to teach. Much like the Christian stories of feeding the masses with some fish and a couple loaves of bread, or the one about Jonah and the whale. Do I believe a man lived in the belly of a whale while god spoke to him? No. I see it as a fable to teach a lesson.

I have a goddess on my alter much like a Christian has a cross or a picture of Jesus. I do not worship the little statue. I have her there as a reminder of my higher power whom I pray to. I chose the particular statue or she chose me because of what I was feeling at the time. Goddess statues come in many styles, Greek goddesses, Eastern goddesses, Native American goddesses, etc... Then there are contemporary goddess statues that do not have a specific body or face, just a shape. Goddesses of fertility, balance, acceptance, etc... Many things are symbolic in all religions. I do not have enough knowledge of other religions to debate this, so I will let it rest, but I just want to say not everything is literal.

Spellcraft is a part of Wicca. I know people who choose not to do spell work and others who love spell work and do it daily. For me, Wicca is about my spirituality. I am in it for the feeling I receive when I pray and commune with my higher power. For the younger set (teens and twentysomethings), it is exciting to do spell work. They are more likely to be in it for the spells. I do not do a lot of spell work. I have done it on rare occasions when I feel strongly about something. People commonly ask me why I do not do spells for more money. First of all, I am not a materialistic person. I can live quite happily rather simply. Second of all, have you ever heard the phrase, "Be careful what you wish for"? For me, if you ask for materialistic things you could end up much worse off than you were to begin with.

For example, a man wishes for a large amount of money. He is not specific in his request or descriptive and detailed in how the money will come to him. A week later, he is in a crippling car accident and he is in a wheelchair for life. However, he gets a large settlement and now has the money he wished for. See what I mean? You have to be very detailed when you do a spell or it could have adverse effects. This is one reason I do not tie up my communication lines with the goddess asking for material things.

A young woman asked me to help her do a love spell on a man she had been chasing for 10 years. She was obsessed with this man. She had chased him since college and could not have a valid relationship with another man because he was the focus of all her love and ideals about romance. She tried to do a spell on her own and she said it didn't take. I told her no. I refuse to do a spell on a person without their permission. It is against the Wicca rede (code of ethics). I did tell her how to rework her spell. A week later, she was informed the young man is gay and that is why he never returned her affection. She was able to move on without feeling like she wasn't worthy of his love.

I ask for health for all those I love, I ask for peace and happiness. I have done protection spells on my daughter. I did do a spell once for a restaurant I knew was for sale. I wanted to buy it and open my restaurant in it. I didn't get it, but another person did and opened a restaurant. For me this was not an example of prayers or spells not working. It was an example that the timing was not right and I was not ready. The universe has my request and when the time is right and I am ready, the universe will deliver the right place in the right space of time. I am not upset or overly anxious. I know it will happen when it is suppose to happen.

I also do not believe in spells where there is blood shed. Some people believe blood is a strong agent adding clarity to your spell work and aiding it into creation. I know people who use a few drops of their own blood, no one else's. I do not do this. I do not believe there should be blood, pain, or any maiming of your body or anyone else's to create a spell. Again, I feel blood shed goes against the Wicca rede of "Do what ye will as long as ye harm none." I feel harming none also includes not harming yourself.

My thought is that everyone has their own code of ethics and choose what is right or tolerant to them in their religion. If it doesn't work for you, simply do not incorporate it in your practice. I was raised Lutheran and it didn't feel right to me. I feel right about Wicca. It works for me. This doesn't cause me to not be able to live in harmony with my Christian friends/family. I am tolerant of their beliefs as I hope they are all tolerant of mine.